dev diary: grind

It's a difficult grind at work. Despite having 9 hours of sleep, it's hard to stay motivated these days. I feel like I'm always tired.

How much do I need this grind in life? Frankly, I don't know how I'll be able to complete my videogame project anymore. I feel like giving up. Even if I scale the project down, I don't think I'll ever finish since my permanent work during the day has made the development time virtually non-existent. Add the fact that I've been set back when my computer randomly crashed and erased my files for a year's worth, I'm worried that I may be too late. By the time that it gets published, I'm afraid that I'll miss the target audience since they've left to somewhere else.

My problem is that I'm burning out because I'm missing the other things in life. I used to enjoy coming to work at 7am until 8:30am so I can write down some scripts, scenes and storylines for the game. That's gone now since I have to go straight within the confines of my office. I have to wear a mask somewhere else inside the campus which restricts my brain despite that the space is virtually empty in the morning. So I write in the office instead without the restriction. I've tried to do what I used to do with my mask on, and it's simply different with the mask on. 

Is it the mask? No. My thoughts are limited and restricted. I can't freely walk around the campus like I used to. There's no hustle and bustle. I couldn't concentrate nor exercise my imagination with the lack of life. I don't have any windows in my office too. It's a strange world coming to work with a low morale and this lengthy adjustment.

The days feel like I'm always hanging on until the weekend instead of going through each day. It's all too stressful during these days too. When I get home, I'm only able to a.) eat dinner, b.) unwind for a few hours c.) sleep. There's no time to work on something else, because I needed to fill the fun meter exhausted from the stress of the day. And enough amusement for tomorrow.

Notice that the posts here are few and sparse apart too. How can I get back to writing? There's always a period in time where I have this gap in the year when there's absolutely no writing or coding toward my videogame development. It's chronic. If I was to be consistent on the work, there's no doubt that I'd have a playable, fleshed out demo released already. Of which that I could be proud. The burnout is real. Make every way to address it early on.


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